How freeze hides inside discipline—and what happens when your body finally comes back online.
When I turned 50, I thought I was heading toward Arizona.
I had a book tour planned, speaking events, advanced workshops scheduled along the way, and a vision of a whole new beginning.
But no one could have shown me the tell that I now see so clearly.
When the COVID lockdown came, that move—dressed up like a big adventure—was also a run.
It’s true… it would have been good. It would have worked.
But the motivation underneath it was something else.
Fear. Pain. Rejection. A deeply held sorrow I hadn’t fully felt yet.
No one could have told me that the road and the pavement were about to meet all at once.
I turned 50 in Covid. I went through menopause in Covid. And honestly? I barely felt it.
I laugh now because I was so stuck in my mind—working, planning, pushing forward—that I wasn’t really paying attention to my body.
The women in my family would talk about what they were experiencing, and I would say, “Nope. Not me. I haven’t had any of that.”
But now I wonder:
What was I not feeling?
No one could have told me I wasn’t belly breathing.
That was the disconnect.
Everything looked like it was moving forward. I had a plan. I had goals. I had already taken myself away from everything to go deeper.
So the freeze hid itself—somewhere between discipline and devotion.
And that’s the part we don’t talk about enough.
Because sometimes the run phase doesn’t look like running.
Sometimes it looks like purpose. Sometimes it looks like progress. Sometimes it looks like a beautiful plan.
But freeze doesn’t only block pain.
It blocks access.
It doesn’t get to choose what stays away. It’s either on… or it’s off.
And when I learned to breathe all the way into my belly, something opened.
Not all at once. But enough.
My heart felt free.
And then something unexpected happened—
Memories returned.
Not just the painful ones, but the beautiful ones too. Family. Childhood. Moments I didn’t even know were missing.
That’s when I realized something I had never understood before:
When the body goes offline, it doesn’t filter. It protects.
But it also withholds.
No one could have told me that 13 years in, I would be digging back in again.
But this time, I’m present.
I’m back in my body. I’m breathing. I’m feeling.
And I’m doing the work consistently now—not from force, not from fear, but from presence.
And here’s what I understand now:
The run phase isn’t always wrong. It isn’t always something to regret.
Sometimes it’s what gets you here.
But at some point, the body asks you to come back.
Not to think your way through it. Not to plan your way out of it.
But to feel your way home.
And when you do—
the tell becomes clear.
You begin to see the difference between movement and avoidance. Between purpose and protection. Between being in your life… and being slightly outside of it.
This is where everything changes.
Because the loop you thought was keeping you stuck…
is actually the same loop that brings you back.
Back to your body. Back to your breath. Back to the parts of you that never left—just waited.
And when you meet yourself there—fully, honestly, in your body—
what once ran…
no longer needs to.
Coming home to yourself isn’t a concept. It’s a practice.
If you’re ready for that kind of work—stay with me.
In Love & Light,
Kellie J. Wright
Internal Narcissa
Self-Love Karma
